I was driving home the other day, and took a road that wrapped sort of behind our house. It passed the backside of a park, where there was a large hill overlooking the very grassy plains of Aurora that go for miles. On the hill, was a couple, sitting with each-other. I don't know what possessed me to write this piece, and the only explanation is that the "Couple on the Hill" inspired me. So enjoy this rather different piece!
The last time that I saw her, we were at the park. Sitting on the far side of a large hill, away from the view of all the houses and families that lined the other side. We were away from it all. It was where we went to escape, her more than I. The view was not the greatest, but that is only because it was dirt and grassy hills going on for miles. It was nothing to me, but she said that it represented something more. “The nothingness is what life is supposed to be,” is what she had always told me. I never understood what she had meant by that before, but I think I am starting to understand it now. Now that I sit alone, in what was once our escape.
It was raining that day, when we were sitting on the hill. She was leaning into me, and I held her in my arms. It was nice, something that we had frequently done. We would talk sometimes, about her family and the things that were going on for her, or we’d sit in silence listening to one earbud of the same headset. But now I am here alone, looking out at the “nothingness”, thinking about what she meant by “what life is supposed to be”. Remembering her warmth and her smile. Her tears. How we would share them, and how I would make her laugh so hard that she couldn’t be sad anymore, or how I would just hold her face to my chest while she bellowed the pain out of her lungs.
I think that for her, what life was supposed to be, was peace and quiet. Ever since her little brother had passed, her parents never ceased to be screaming. She often told me about the cruel things they said to each-other, blaming each-other. Blaming her. She could never do anything to stop it, no matter how much she wanted to. I wanted to help her, but there was nothing that I could do besides give her my best advice. I would tell her that she needed to get away from the toxic environment that they were creating in that house. And she finally did, just not in the way that I had intended.
For me, what life was supposed to be, was taking us both away from all of it, and leaving forever. Never turning around. Never letting her return to be subjected to the poison that her parent’s relationship had become. That was all that I had wanted for her, to get away from what was making her so sad. I wanted to help her go wherever she wanted, give her the support she needed, give her the love that she deserved. I just wanted her to be happy again, even if that meant never seeing me again, I didn’t care as long as she didn’t have to be around them.
But now she is gone. They found her in her closet. A razor blade on the floor, and crimson carpet stains surrounding her. I didn’t hear from her parents, they left almost immediately after it all happened. Their house was put up for sale almost a day later. And her funeral was today. I was going to go, but then I came out here, and I sat down and remembered the last day that I saw her.
I can’t stop crying now, just remembering everything. Everything besides the light in her eyes that she once had. I forgot what the light looked like, because it disappeared when her brother passed. Mine disappeared when she did. But now I know about the “nothingness” that she was talking about, what she meant when she said it. It is how you feel when you lose somebody that you loved more than anything else, and how you feel when you can’t help but think about them every day after they are gone.
My mother said that she would be watching me from where ever people go after they die. That she would miss me more than I miss her.
But if that were true, why did she leave without me?
Written while listening to My Custom Writing Playlist on Spotify. Check it out HERE.
Thanks for Reading!